Darth Vader versus Darph Bobo

This battle features Darth Vader, one of the coolest villains of all time. Or at least he was until George Lucas took on his personal crusade to ruin a perfectly good character by making the Star Wars prequels. For this fight, I’ll just pretend those don’t exist. Anyway, Vader is defending his title as champion of this page after besting Gandalf in the last matchup. Facing off against Mr. Vader is Darph Bobo, the dark clown from Tripping the Rift, a very amusing little web movie that became a TV show. Bobo beat that aborted fetis of a Sith, Darth Maul, in his last appearance on the page.

Round One:
After hearing rumors of a bigger, better, and cooler guy in a black suit in the galaxy, Darph Bobo has gone off in search of the deadly and devious Darth Vader in hopes of proving himself to be an actual badass and not simply comedy relief. Vader, informed of Bobo’s coming through the infinite wisdom of the Force, awaits Bobo on a desolate and deserted planet. Unfortunately for the beginning of this fight, Bobo accidentally kills his storm trooper navigator while brushing up on his light saber skills. As such, Bobo and his crew become lost in space for several months and only barely survive after running into a crazy, arm-swinging robot and a conniving boy-hungry pedophile. Round One goes to Darth Vader for not sucking.

Round Two:
Once Bobo finally arrives, he nearly messes himself as he views a seven-foot tall black cyborg in a cape, standing calmly with a pair of storm troopers standing behind him.

“Damn…this guy doesn’t look like a stupid pro wrestler like the last one…maybe I should go back to fighting bloated purple aliens…”

Finally mustering his courage, Bobo walks out with a pair of his own storm troopers to meet with Vader. The two spend a little time talking about their own warrior philosophies, how unimpressed they are with the other, and what kind of boys they like (well, Bobo talks about that, anyway). In an attempt to shake Vader’s calm, collected confidence, Bobo turns one of Vader’s storm trooper’s heads into a a ballon animal and crushes it with the power of his mind. Silence ensues as Vader looks at his dead hireling. The silence is only broken when a rasp comes from beneath Vader’s mask…a rasp that can only be defined as a sick, evil chuckle. With a slight motion of his hand, Vader telekinetically sends his other guard into the air, an invisible hand grasped around the trooper’s throat. Vader holds the trooper in the air with the Force until the soldier dies. Then, with another flick of his wrist, Vader breaks the dead trooper’s neck, tossing his broken body at Bobo’s feet.

“I have no need for pathetic hirelings. Face me now, and we will see who is stronger in the ways of the force.”

“No offense sir…but that really was pretty badass,” whispers one of Bobo’s troopers. Bobo kills him for his insolence and draws his light saber, inadvertently cutting his other trooper in half. The two face one another, light saber to light saber, ready for the battle for the death. Two rounds and the fight is finally underway! Round Two goes to Vader, by the way, just because he is so much cooler than a clown.

Round Three:
Vader stabs Bobo and kills him. Round Three and the fight goes to Darth Vader.

What, you expected more here? Well, I managed to drag things out two rounds…I mean, for chrissake, Darph Bobo is funny and all but there’s no way that he can compare to Vader. That and I’m tired, I have a headache, and I’m in the midst of making preparations to receive a lawsuit from George Lucas for defacing his character by calling him a slovenly retarded hack who got lucky with a few films that he really only had a minimal part in working on and couldn’t make a remotely decent film even if he had a gun put up to his head and ten of the greatest actors of all time starring in the film. So cut me some slack.

(By the way, if George Lucas happens to be reading this, he can always prove me wrong by creating a film without an annoying character like Jar Jar Binks, horrible puns, bad casting, worse acting and directing, and in which a stinkin’ muppet does not save the day.)

Have a good one folks!