Batman and Robin versus Captain America and Bucky

Batman and Robin have been here before, and are well-known across America. Slightly less well-known is Captain America and that boy he used to date, Bucky. Well, he didn’t actually date Bucky, per se. Instead, he dragged the kid around with him behind enemy lines in World War II to fight the Nazis. Thanks to his callous disregard for a child’s welfare, America was able to defeat Hitler. Now we’re in the modern day, and Batman and Captain America are planning to exploit their kid sidekicks once again in an attempt to show who is the most dynamic duo of all.

Mario versus a Slinky

We have two timeless celebrities in this battle. First we have Mario, the better half of the Super Mario Brothers video game series (nobody likes Luigi, not even Luigi), as well as one really bad movie. Facing off against the video game hero is the beloved childhood toy and model for countless physics experiments. It’s a spring, a spring, a marvelous thing, and Mario will soon know that’s it’s Slinky.

Solid Snake versus Mario

You know, it’s been like two months since I posted the poll for this fight, and I honestly can’t tell you why I envisioned these two facing off against one another. Solid Snake is a secret agent badass known for his stealth and infiltration skills as well as his combat capability. Mario is a plumber who runs around a wacky pastel world constantly saving a princess who gets chronically kidnapped. Despite the fact that they both originated on the old NES console, there’s really not a lot to compare between them. I would have been better off pitting Snake against Samus Aran from the Metroid games, but hindight is 20/20 and all…

Triangle Man versus Superman

A special non-fight

Triangle Man comes from the song “Particle Man” by They Might be Giants. does everything a triangle can. Superman is faster than a speeding bullet, yadda yadda yadda. He’s back. I know I told you he died, but if DC got to bring him back when the book was less popular than my webpage, then I get to do it too. FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON!!!

I promised everyone a special non-fight, and here it is:

Triangle Man, Triangle Man
Triangle Man hates Superman.
They have a fight, Triangle wins.
Triangle Man.

Rounds one, two and three go to Triangle Man…what did you think I meant by a non-fight???

Mario and Yoshi versus Gumby and Pokey

Mario is the central figure to one of the most successful franchises in the world. Yoshi is some sort of amphibious dinosaur creature that can catch something as large as himself with his tongue and swallow it whole. He can sometimes fly a bit, and can occasionally shoot fireballs, among other things. Gumby and Pokey don’t have the huge video game franchise that Mario and Yoshi have, but they’ve managed to carve a niche out of nostalgia of their own. They’re a pair of clay figurines that run around in the land of toys and make-believe. Well, they don’t run, per se. They really just skate across the land on one foot, since it would have been a pain to animate the claymation figures moving step by step in the 1950s when Gumby was created.

Dr. Evil versus Commando Cody

Doctor Evil is no stranger to this page, having already made multiple appearances, including the very first fight ever to grace this page against Doctor Doom. He’s an evil genius…well, an evil doctor. Commando Cody dates back to the 1950s, and is the second rocketman in serial history. He starred in three serials, Radar Men From the Moon, Zombies of the Stratosphere, and Commando Cody, Sky Marshall of the Universe. This fight draws largely from a parody version of him from a site called Twisted Mojo, which unfortunately seems to have disappeared these days.

Calvin and Hobbes versus John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes

Calvin and Hobbes are the main characters of Bill Waterson’s long-running and now completed comic strip. It’s sad that it’s been over 10 years since they’ve appeared in papers, but they are fondly remembered. Facing off against them are their namesakes, John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes. John Calvin is a 16th-century theologian who rejected papal authority, which led to the birth of reformed theology. Thomas Hobbes is a political philosopher whose 1651 book Leviathan set the standard for a rights-based society, which became the basis for government in numerous nations, including the Unites States. They’re old, crusty, and dead for hundreds of years. Not exactly as charming as a six-year old boy and his stuffed tiger, but more influential on society in the long run.

Ryoko versus the Incredible Hulk

Ah, lovely, lovely Ryoko. The animated beauty from the various Tenchi Muyo! series and movies, Ryoko is the one person that I would try to wrangle into a three-way with my wife…if she really existed. She’s got magic gems on her wrists that make her the most powerful being in the universe if she possesses all three, she has spiky blue hair, and like to walk around naked in baths…Mmmm…

Um, anyway, she’ll be facing off against the Incredible Hulk, who is my favorite literary character ever. Yeah, I said literary…comic books count as literature. The Hulk doesn’t quite have the sex appeal of Ryoko, but he is the strongest being in the world and is so mighty as to be potentially unkillable.

Punch and Judy versus Kermit and Miss Piggy

Punch and Judy are a classic puppet duo that have been around since the 16th century. Punch is a child-murdering, abusive lunatic, and Judy is his wife. Naturally, Punch’s role has been toned down over the years for the sake of the children. Kermit and Miss Piggy are muppets who may or may not have been dating for years. For the most part, Miss Piggy is the one who hits Kermit, making the abusive comedy duo and Bizarro version of Punch and Judy.

Gregory House and James Wilson versus Sherlock Holmes and John Watson

This fight is a battle of pop culture versus literary classics. Greg House and James Wilson are friends on the television show House, MD, which is an excellent medical drama as long as the writers don’t get too caught up in obnoxious and boring side plots. House is a vicodin addicted asshole who has a bum leg, and Wilson is an oncologist who spends more time psychoanalyzing the people around him than actually treating cancer patients. Going against them are Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, the famous detective duo. Holmes and Watson are actually the basis for the House-Wilson friendship, but I don’t remember Watson ever getting pissed off and walking out on his friend after Holmes ODed on oxycodone.