Iron Man versus Iron Man

This fight features two well-known men trapped in iron suits…iron men, if you will. The first is the Iron Man operated by Tony Stark, a scientist who built the suit to keep himself alive after a piece of shrapnel worked its way into his heart (and not in the fuzzy romantic way, either). He’s been through many changes, including being a drunk and a cripple and wearing sentient armor for a time. The other fighter is the Iron Man who was last seen crippling Mr. Roboto on this very page. He’s the creation of a Black Sabbath song, a hero that was sent into the future to save mankind, but was turned to steel and now exacts his revenge on all those who took him for granted earlier. They are fighting to figure who exactly is the Invincible Iron Man.

Round One:
When we last saw Iron Man, he was destroying everyone who came near him. Even the mighty Mr. Roboto was unable to stop his rampage. But there is one more hero who has the will to stand against him, one more who will fight for freedom and justice. His name is…Iron Man…(this is gonna be hard to keep straight.)

Marvel’s Iron Man rushes to meet his foe in the deserted streets of New York City, but gets quite a surprise when he sees another man made of metal standing before him. Tony Stark ponders for a moment that he is fighting his spiritual twin. Furthermore, seeing someone so like him brings forth many philosophical questions to Iron Man’s brain. How can one like that walk, talk, or move at all without falling? The sheer physics of being in a suit that heavy and moving with such ease are mind boggling. And, for that matter, how has Tony Stark himself been able to move and fight super villains for all these years in a transistor powered suit when transistors would really do little to ease the burden of his iron body? Panicked over such quandries, Iron Man stumbles and falls when he tries to move. The evil Iron Man, having solved such dilemmas in the last fight, runs over to Tony Stark and starts kicking his tin can head in. Round One goes to Black Sabbath’s Iron Man.

Round Two:
Writhing in pain, Tony Stark suddenly realizes that he has never operated on either physics or logic, since he emerged from the silver age of comics, where such matters were easily solved by saying, “Um…look, there’s a commie!!! You’d better stop him or he’ll eat you!!!” Coming to this realization, the Stark stands up and easily catches a punch from his enemy. Black Sabbath’s Iron Man leaps back in his boots of lead and fires off a half dozen shots from an uzi, all of which bounce harmlessly off of the red and gold armor of the Marvel hero. Using his transistor powered repulsor rays (I’m not making this up, really), Stark blasts the other Iron Man back through a brick wall, sending him reeling. As it turns out, Black Sabbath’s Iron Man has not had the benefit of the constant growth in power that took place during the sixties and seventies amongst comic book heroes (which is why the original Iron Man was almost overcome by a cabinet full of rocks but eventually managed to lift jet liners and go toe to toe with the incredible Hulk). Round Two goes to Marvel’s Iron Man.

Round Three:
Badly hurting, the evil Iron Man starts to beat a tactical retreat, but is pursued by a rapidly advancing Tony Stark. In desperation, Black Sabbath’s Iron Man starts hurling anything that he can grab at his pursuer. To his benefit, he is lucky enough (i.e., the polls went his way) to have been knocked into a bar, so he winds up hurling alcoholic beverages at his foe. Stark suddenly stops, rife with conflict as he starts tumbling down those perilous twelve steps that he went through to get off the sauce. After a moment, overcome with desire, he collapses to the ground, yanks off his helmet, and starts slurping up the pouddles of liquor on the ground.

“Ah sweet, nourishing alcohol…nectar of the gods…my one reason for living out this pathetic existence where I am lost amongst spandex-clad pansies and colossal plot holes…oh how I’ve missed you so.”

Baffled by this show of weakness, the other Iron Man decides that this human is too pathetic to live, and fires a machinegun into his unprotected face. Tony Stark dies, but he dies a happy and drunken man. Round Three and the fight go to Iron Man…once again, the world is doomed.